Archives for category: bad jokes
A Doocey Abroad

A Doocey Abroad

Super-talented Waimakariri MP Kate Wilkinson is the latest in a long list of National MPs who have announced that they won’t be standing at the next election. While that in itself was not a surprise, what is more of a shock is that National’s candidate for the Christchurch East won’t rule out running for the vacant seat, even though he’s currently meant to be campaigning in the East. One wonders why they couldn’t have waited another month before announcing this. I can’t see its going to convince the people of the East that Doocey actually deeply cares about anything except his own political ambitions. As they put it over at the Standard:

It is not as if he does not have a chance of winning in Christchurch East.  National won the party vote heavily in the last election and it was only the high regard that Lianne Dalziel was held in that resulted in her re-election.  And a large number of people have left the area, further confusing the analysis of the political leaning of the area.  Anything can happen on November 30.

Christchurch East and the people who have suffered through the earthquakes deserve an MP who will work for the people in the area.  This news suggests that Doocey’s focus may be more on his own career than on helping local people.


At 2pm Rebuilding Christchurch will publish a major piece of journalism containing revelations about the rebuild of one of New Zealand’s major cities that is currently undergoing a major redevelopment. I cannot reveal anything about the revelations, or which city it is about – but this will be a major, major news event that will set the agenda for days to come.

Actually, I’m just going to publish the follow-up from Barnaby Bennett to his important piece on the politicization of the rebuild, which you can read here.

Gerry Cyrus - Wrecking Ball

The new hit single from the Big Man who’s making a Big Hole in Christchurch buildings.

It should have read “parking squeeze in CBD annoys South Island’s richest man, no-one else”

I thought I should follow up my electorate guide with a bit of assistance with the health board elections. This is the only part of the ballot that is conducted via STV, so can be a little more confusing. You need to rank all the candidates, from 1 to 26. Only seven get in, so you need to rank your faves at the top, and your worsts at the bottom. Here are my suggestions:

1. Paul McMahon

2. David Morrell

3. Heather Symes

4. Oscar Alpers

5. Jo Kane

6. Anna Crighton

7. Adrian Te Patu

8. John Paul Jones

9. Jimmy Page

10. Robert Plant

11. John Bonham

12. Davis Love the Third

13. Davis Love the Second

14. Davis Love the First of Spain

15. David Bain

16. Clayton Weatherstone

17. Scott Watson

18. Captain Scott

19. Ernest Shackleton

20. The Abominable Snowman

21. The Abdominable Snowman

22. Archie (the regular Snowman)

23. Jon Snow

24. Tim’s neighbour Wilson from “Home Improvement”

25. Electronic Schizophrenia Guy

26. Aaron Keown


Tony Marryatt’s exit may mean a golden handshake for him, but it’s a golden shower for the people of this downtrodden city. After his exorbitant pay rise led to the biggest protest I can remember in Christchurch, he said that he would refuse the increase if the council promised to get on better. Well, it turns out that in one final “fuck you” to the people of Christchurch who he served so badly, he decided to take the pay rise after all.

But wait! There’s more!

The Star can reveal today that Mr Parker charged $219.25 on his ratepayer funded city council credit card for five servings of Moet et Chandon Brut champagne and a ham and cheese sandwich at the Hyatt Seoul while he was in Korea on council business last year.

He may have paid it back – or got the Israeli government to pick up the tab, but that’s almost immaterial at this point. It shows the attitude of these people, who aren’t elected to serve the people, but to be served themselves. In Parker’s case, with 5 “servings” of Moët. It’s not the first time he’s been embroiled in this sort of behaviour – remember when Jo Parker claimed that she was entitled to free muffins because she “worked for the city for free”, confusing “being married to someone” with “being employed in a role”. Here’s hoping that the image of Parker that endures is not the orange parka, but the five glasses of Moët and a ham sandwich that he thought he could put on the ratepayer.

Fantastic image – the side of a Christchurch building falls off, revealing Homer Simpson in the shower.

National have announced that their candidate for the Christchurch East by-election will be Matthew Doocey. There is scant information about him except for the media release from the National Party.

The National Party announced tonight that Matthew Doocey, a 41-year-old Canterbury District Health Board manager, will be their candidate in the November 30 by-election.

I’ve not heard of the guy before, and I’m sure I’m not alone in that. I don’t know anything about him, but:

1: “Doocey” is going to be a fun name for taggers to play with

2: While he’s from Christchurch, he only returned to the city from the UK earlier this year. ie he wasn’t living in the East / the city / the country during the earthquakes which have defined this electorate and will define this by-election. He’s gonna have a hard time convincing constituents that he understands what they’ve been through.

3. They can probably mine this episode of SouthPark for campaign ideas

Ngaire Button’s post-post modern local body election campaign continues:

Button said that while her group prided themselves on being independent, they did stand for something. “As a body, it’s true, we have no policies, but as individuals we all stand for lots of different things.”

To recap: A non-political political alliance which is definitely not a political party that definitely stands for things, but those things are all different, depending on the particular individual, which effectively means that they definitely stand for nothing. Surely this is the nadir of people running for political office with campaigns that promote how non-political they are? Could it get any more stupid?

The nominations for Labour’s Christchurch East candidate are out today, and there are three new names in addition to the three who had already announced.

They are:

– James Caygill, a senior manager at Te Runanga o Ngai Tahu and the son of former Finance Minister David Caygill

– Karen Hayes, a registered nurse and midwife for more than 25 years.

– Christina Laalaai-Tausa, a PhD candidate at the University of Canterbury who has lectured at the University of Samoa.

– Tina Lomax, the principal of Kingslea School for 15 years.

– Deon Swiggs, a founding member of the Canterbury Insurance Assistance Service.

– Poto Williams, the regional manager of St John of God Hauora Trust.

Not sure why Fairfax organised them that way – I guess they view Caygill as the front runner. Is JC the true messiah for the East? Can he walk on liquefaction and shelter the poor? If he’s the Son, that makes David the Father – but who’s the Holy Ghost? Lange, Savage, Kirk? If I knew more about the bible, I’d probably crow-bar some more terrible puns in here.