Archives for posts with tag: Satire

The Minister of the Environment, Dr Nick Smith, today announced plans for the future governance structure of the Canterbury Regional Council, commonly known as ECan. The elected council was sacked in 2010, following a report that found they had failed to achieve the Government’s objectives of converting the entirety of the Canterbury Plains into dairying. In their place, commissioners were appointed. Despite having 5 years to achieve the Government’s aims, the Commissioners have comprehensively failed their goals. A recent study found that just 36% of Canterbury’s fresh water was unsafe to drink, well below the Government’s aspirational goal of “no fresh water by 2020”. Another report from Lake Ellesmere / Te Waihora said that it took more than 25 minutes for a red-band gumboot to fully dissolve in the toxic water – over 5 minutes longer than the Government’s benchmark for acidic fresh water lakes. The Minister reiterated that the Government had set clear benchmarks for environmental degradation, and that ECan had repeatedly failed to meet them.

Dr Smith appeared at the news conference with his preferred appointment to run ECan, a GARDENA Classic Oscillating Sprinkler Polo 2500. GARDENA Classic will take over the role, following a Cabinet vote next Monday.

GARDENA Classic, the newly appointed ECan commissioner

Dr Smith said that GARDENA Classic was the obvious choice for the role. “She can spray water over here, she can spray water over there. That means that she takes turns between watering the farmers, and watering the latte-sipping townies. But if the townies keep piping up with these spurious complaints about voting and democracy, I am not afraid to adjust her range, so that she only sprays the farmers.” The Minister also highlighted the new Commissioner’s appeal to the younger generation. “In summer, we can put her down in the garden, and the kids can take turns running backwards and forwards through her. GARDENA Classic is the new, child-friendly face of ECan.”

Murray, a spokesperson for the activist group “Hippies Called Murray”, was disappointed with the appointment. “How can the Government claim to be acting in our best interests, when this is clearly just a stitch-up on behalf of Big Domestic Irrigation. I bet Bunning’s is behind this”, he said, before trailing off into a rant about the TPPA and Monsanto butter beans. When approached for comment, Buzz Babcock of the Confederated Farmers, South Canterbury Branch, gave a brisk “yee-haw!” before jumping through the window of his John Deere tractor and attempting to launch it over the south branch of the  Rangitata River.

Porcupine Farm's take on the Quake Outcast decision

I always forget to check regularly on what’s going on at Porcupine Farm, but when I do it’s amazing and I wish I did more often. Anyway, if you haven’t seen the site, go over and have a look. It’s fantastic.

We used to have a bar in Christchurch, called the Christchurch Temperance Society. It was the best bar. I left there about an hour before the September 4th quake, in which it was badly damaged. It has now been knocked down. It never re-opened. The Temp provided amazing service, great wine, but really specialised in cocktails. One of their signatures was the Barbara Lee (originally called the Lady Gaga), which was named after a woman of the same name who ran a clothing business next door. I had a quiet chuckle when Barbara Lee (the business woman, not the drink) was being interviewed on the news about something CBD related. Another was called Merivale Madness. One that was made from vodka and blue powerade, and topped with a gummy jetplane, was called “The Power of Christ Compels You”.

The Power of Christ Compels You

I was in the Civil Defence HQ at the Art Gallery this evening for a meeting. There were boxes and boxes of drink for the staff – bottled Kiwi Blue brand water, and blue powerade. Only the blue stuff. The only reasonable conclusion I can draw from this is that Gerry Brownlee will not start a meeting until he has had at least one “The Power of Christ Compels You”. When he gets to the bottom of the glass, he pulls out the purple jetplane (which is by this stage, soggy and very sticky) and flies it around the room whilst making machine gun noises and yelling “take that hippies!” As his day consists of meeting after meeting, he consumes a lot of cocktails. This would then explain a number of the things he is saying, and the decisions he is making.

Many citizens have criticised Gerry Brownlee’s stance on demolishing heritage buildings. This is unfair. Gerry knows about building construction – he was a high-school woodwork teacher before entering politics.

In these dark times we need decisive leaders that do not overthink the issues and waste time reading technical reports and listening to the advice of experts. In a hundred years, people will still be talking about Gerry.

Richard Stevens – Fendalton

This was the lead letter to the editor in the Press this morning. Gold.


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